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Parrot Face
Starting Member


28 Posts

Posted - 30 January 2005 :  12:50:11 AM  Show Profile Send Parrot Face a Private Message  Reply with Quote
.


Q.Why wouldn't the parrot talk to the Frenchman?

A.Because he only spoke pigeon English.

..................................................................................................

Q. How do you know you are being haunted by the ghost of a parrot?

A. A disembodied voice keeps saying "Whooo-oooo's a pretty boy then?"

..................................................................................................

Q. What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A. A walkie-talkie.

..................................................................................................

Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?

Pupil: . For a parrot to perch on, miss?

..................................................................................................

My parrot lays square eggs.

That's amazing! Can it talk as well?

Yes, but only one word.

What's that?

Ouch!

..................................................................................................

"I'd like a cheap parrot, please," an old lady said to a pet shop owner

"This one's cheap and it sings The Star-Spangled Banner."

"Never mind that," said the customer. "Is it tender?"

..................................................................................................

An elegant, well-dressed lady went into her local pet shop and found a huge, gorgeous, brightly-coloured Parrot in a cage way back in a corner of the shop. Upon seeing her admiring the bird, the store owner hurried over saying "I don't think a lady like you would want that bird. You see, it lived in a -- well, in a house of ill repute all its life." But the lady, feeling sorry for the poor bird, bought it, and installed the cage in her beautifully appointed living room.
As she carefully drew the heavy drapes off cage, the bird bobbed its head and curiously eyed her and its new surroundings. "Aaaaawk!" it suddenly squawked loudly, "New house! New Madam!" Taken aback, the lady was about to reprimand the Parrot when her three teenaged daughters wandered in asking what all the noise was about. The Parrot immediately jumped up and down on it's perch, squawking even more loudly "Aaaaaawk! New House! New Madam! New Girls!"
Not amused, the lady was just about to cover the cage again until she could work with the poor bird, when her husband arrived home from work. The Parrot fixed him with a beady stare as he hung up his coat,then it leapt up and down, flapped its wings and shrieked at the top of it's lungs "Aaaaawwwwk! New House, new Madam, new Girls... same old John!"

..................................................................................................


Beacon Girl
A Fiery Female !



4777 Posts

Posted - 30 January 2005 :  12:07:56 PM  Show Profile Send Beacon Girl a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Hi there Parrot Face and welcome .

FOFL there are some good funnies there .LOL
Hope you will fly in again soon and have a chat with us all .

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Princess Di
Advanced Member

606 Posts

Posted - 31 January 2005 :  1:03:44 PM  Show Profile Send Princess Di a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Nice one Parrot Face

Hope to see you again soon

You'll be made very welcome as we all love animals although I have never had a parrot lol



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Moonraker
Senior Member



1024 Posts

Posted - 01 February 2005 :  08:53:58 AM  Show Profile Send Moonraker a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Hey "Parrot Face" I know you.
Your real name is Freddie Davies.

Ho, Ho, Ho,


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Parrot Face
Starting Member



28 Posts

Posted - 08 February 2005 :  07:01:35 AM  Show Profile Send Parrot Face a Private Message  Reply with Quote

POLITICAL PARROT
-------------------------------

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."


GOING, GOING, GONE!
---------------------------------------------

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"


BRUTUS
-------------------

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment,and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!


COURTEOUS PARROT
-----------------------------------

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."


CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT
----------------------------------------

A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!


SPEEDING DRUNK-
------------------------------

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT
---------------------------------------

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.


THE AIRLINES
-----------------------------------

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him,who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.

As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".


EXPENSIVE PARROTS
-------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can it do?", to which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".


SPIRITUAL (?) PARROT
-------------------------------------------------
A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John the Baptist?". Parrot says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"



FRIGID PARROT
-----------------------------------------

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".



MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT
--------------------------------------------------------

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:


"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

--------------------------------------------------------



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Beacon Girl
A Fiery Female !



4777 Posts

Posted - 08 February 2005 :  10:03:52 AM  Show Profile Send Beacon Girl a Private Message  Reply with Quote
FOFL
They are so funny ,I have had a really good laugh at them it has cheered me up no end , just what I needed .Thank You
More jokes please .

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Parrot Face
Starting Member



28 Posts

Posted - 10 February 2005 :  08:00:05 AM  Show Profile Send Parrot Face a Private Message  Reply with Quote



A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a parrot, but it's got to be a good talker! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying for a good talker."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a large cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this business for forty years and the best talker I've ever heard is in that cage."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a parrot, but it's got to be a talker."

By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered orator!" He placed the cage on the counter and the bird began quoting poetry and finished up by reciting a speech from Shakespeare.

Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he is a good talker." Suddenly she screamed, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"

The pet store owner was unperturbed. "Lady, what do you want, a speaker or a dancer?"

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Beacon Girl
A Fiery Female !



4777 Posts

Posted - 10 February 2005 :  11:29:04 AM  Show Profile Send Beacon Girl a Private Message  Reply with Quote


Very Funny ,where are you getting all these parrot jokes from ??
You will run out soon and will have to change to other animal jokes .LOL


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Parrot Face
Starting Member



28 Posts

Posted - 12 February 2005 :  06:24:01 AM  Show Profile Send Parrot Face a Private Message  Reply with Quote

A Parrot is for life not just for Christmas.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop
owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous
Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I
get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a
lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's
reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the
parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was
filled with: " Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and
ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When
the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She
exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he
can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his
lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper
had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,
and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if
we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.
"Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it
was the performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an
open fire...."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Boy: Dad, please can I have a Parrot for Christmas ?

Father: No you can not, you'll have Turkey like everyone else and lump it
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Moonraker
Senior Member



1024 Posts

Posted - 19 February 2005 :  11:12:35 PM  Show Profile Send Moonraker a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Haven't seen Parrot Face for a few days now, what's up.?

Has he gone all geometric.??? (Polygon).

LOL.

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