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Beacon Girl
A Fiery Female !
4777 Posts |
 Posted - 10 September 2004 : 10:59:29 AM
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Well no one has been in here for ages so here are a few daft jokes to get it going again .
What is a bald mans favourite animal ?
A hare .
Why is liver so hard to chew ?
Because it's full of iron .
How does a scarecrow drink milk ?
Through many straws .
Why didn't the turkey cross the road ?
Because he was too stuffed .
A man went to Texas on Thursday , stayed for three days , and came back on Thursday.
How can this be ??
His horse's name is Thursday .LOL
Why would you want a giraffe as your brother ?
Because you can really look up to him .
 
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The Gravedigger
Advanced Member
764 Posts |
Posted - 11 September 2004 : 07:52:17 AM
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Here`s something else to get you going
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Amusing Headlines
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59 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
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1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.Police begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9.Stud Tires Out
10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15.Eye Drops off Shelf
16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30.War Dims Hope for Peace
31.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35.Deer Kill 17,000
36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50.Air Head Fired
51.Steals Clock, Faces Time
52.Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53.Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni 54.Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55.Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56.Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57.Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58.Include your Children When Baking Cookies 59.4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves.
 
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The Gravedigger
Advanced Member
764 Posts |
Posted - 11 September 2004 : 08:12:01 AM
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I'm giving this a test run before posting it on my site,what do you think?
Strange But True Deaths.
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Here supposedly are true accounts of crazy deaths. We are not vouching for their authenticity - only their humour.
JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK --------------------
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed
him.
ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS ---------------------
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
TAKE NOVOCAINE ---------------
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE ------------------
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
POOR SUCKER --------------
Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
CHECK THE PULSE FIRST ----------------------
In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
FRAUD DOESN'T PAY -------------------
A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
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Would you describe those as dead funny or not  
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Beacon Girl
A Fiery Female !
4777 Posts |
Posted - 11 September 2004 : 2:00:35 PM
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Gravedigger some of those Newspaper headlines are hilarious .FOFL .
Those ones about death will be well suited to your site ,quite incredible aren't they .
I dropped a clanger the other day .My brother had been to visit the old village we use to lived in ,going around taking photos .
He paid a visit to the cemetery there .
When he came back he was telling me about some people he had met and spoken to round the village .
He said **** ****** (Can't put the name )was in the cemetery and me like an idiot said to him did she speak to you ,NO NO he said you have got it wrong she was dead .
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Princess Di
Advanced Member
606 Posts |
Posted - 12 September 2004 : 12:55:45 PM
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Oh BG Bet you laughed. That's the sort of thing I would say and everybody laughes at me and I'm usually thinking what's funny!!
Gravedigger Those entries will be great on your site!
Here's a funny for Bob
What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
An air bag.
What do you call a parrot in a raincoat?
Polyunsaturated.
What's the difference between a fast eater, a shoemaker and a person with a pebble in his shoe?
One's a gobbler, one's a cobbler, and one's a hobbler.
He He !!
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Beacon Girl
A Fiery Female !
4777 Posts |
Posted - 12 September 2004 : 8:56:14 PM
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Couple of funny ones there PD ,I don't quite get the blond mother-in-law one .!!!!!!!
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Daft Jokes
