Posted - 09 May 2005 : 06:01:54 AM
The parrot that spoke Yiddish
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" The bird says, "Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed $500 down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida.
The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.
The next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot.
The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching the parrot to read Hebrew and the Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.
One morning on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, and so on. All eyes were on the African Grey during services.
The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed. Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"
After Rosh Hashanah services ended, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over $4000. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing.
Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over $4000. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"
The Parrot and the Chickens.
A rich lady has a parrot that sits on its perch in front of her door. The parrot often impresses the guests of the lady by repeating their names as the butler announces their entrance.
There is only one problem. After the party starts, the parrot flies out the window and "annoys" the chickens of the farmer next door. The farmer doesn't appreciate this and always interrupts the party to complain. The rich lady had a party one day, and the butler began to announce the guests as they arrived.
"Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins," the butler would say.
"Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins, RRAAKKK," the parrot would repeat.
A little later, the butler said, "Mr. and Mrs. Henderson."
"Mr. and Mrs. Henderson, RRAAKKK," the parrot repeated. Shortly after all the guest had all arrived, the farmer called to complain. The lady apologized and scolded the parrot. "I'm sick of you bothering that farmer's chickens. If you don't stop, I'm going to punish you."
The next party came, the parrot introduced the guest, then went next door to "annoy" the farmer's chickens. This time, the party was interrupted by shotgun blasts. The parrot came back very out of breath and was greeted by its rich owner.
"You've been annoying the chickens again, haven't you? I told you I was going to punish you and now you're going to get it!" The lady went to the bathroom and got a razor. She shaved all the feathers off the top of the parrot's head. "Now, maybe I've embarrassed you enough to stay away from the chickens. Now you just sit on that perch and think about what you've done."
The next party came and the parrot began to introduce the guests with the butler. "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," the butler said.
"Mr. and Mrs. Smith, RRAAKK," the parrot repeated.
"Mr. and Mrs. Taylor," the butler said.
"Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, RRAAAKK," the parrot said.
About that time, two bald men walked in to the party. The parrot didn't even wait for the butler to announce their names, he just stood up on his perch and loudly squawked, "Alright you two - I know what you've been doing, up here on the perch with me!!!"
Who're You ?
A posh lady bought a parrot for some company.
Unfortunately, the parrot would only say "My name is Mary & I'm a whore".
She could not get the parrot to say anything else and it kept saying the same thing, usually at the most inopportune moments, much to the lady's embarrassment. One day the parish Priest visited the lady and while he was there the parrot squawked out the only words it would say. After apologizing profusely to the Priest, the lady explained that the parrot resisted all efforts at reformation. The Priest offered to take the parrot to visit the two parrots he owned. His parrots were well trained and all they would say were Hail Marys while clutching rosaries in their claws. He was certain they would be a good influence on the lady's parrot.
So the Priest took the parrot to his house and put it in the cage with his parrots. The first words out of the lady's parrot were, "My name is Mary & I'm a whore".
The priest, being most anxious to see what would happen was flabbergasted when one of his parrots said to the other, "Throw that damn rosary away, our prayers have been answered!"