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Bob.
Devout Dipsomaniac & Technological TWIT !
2436 Posts |
 Posted - 10 September 2003 : 05:47:40 AM
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Heer us a joek taht I copeid/ [ byt itsnoyt aboit mme
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like hell out there!" "Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on the freeway and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello - are you still there?" "Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the drunk replies.
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Beacon Girl
A Fiery Female !
4777 Posts |
Posted - 10 September 2003 : 10:24:30 AM
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Bob
Are you sure that was not you on that swing .LOL ;-)
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n/a/1
deleted
2606 Posts |
Posted - 10 September 2003 : 5:25:20 PM
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FOFL!
BTW how clean do the jokes have to be on here?
I know on AOL we had to really be careful as it was a public forum.
Are we allowed to post dirty (NOT filthy or bad language) jokes?
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n/a/1
deleted
2606 Posts |
Posted - 10 September 2003 : 5:28:51 PM
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Guess I will take a chance - Clueless you can always delete it anyway if it is too rude.
Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks a lot, pal...
....she just died and left me her farm!!!!"
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Pauline
Administrator & Miserable Old Fart !
United Kingdom
2968 Posts |
Posted - 10 September 2003 : 5:49:45 PM
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FOFL+<|:-D--Well, it made me laugh anyway, if `The Powers That Be' object they can let me know ! It mentions in the terms and conditions that I can't have pornography ( so none of those naked photos of yourself Ladies ! Ha Ha !) and no filth etc, but I've no idea what their idea of filth is, so we'll just have to wait and see ! It's also supposed to have a bad language filter that censors certain words and replaces them with asterisks, but I don't know which words it objects to as I haven't tested that yet either ! No doubt we shall find out in time by trial and error !
I seem to recall it said something about no foreign language content either, so Bob had better not start spouting German ( mind you, even when he's speaking English Bob sounds foreign anyway, so as they're not used to his 'eccentricities' they might have trouble deciding about him at first ! LOL )
Anyway, we'll just have to see how it goes, if we get censored we'll know what not to post next time.
(By the way Bob and Dusty, that bit about not posting nude photos of yourself applies to you blokes too ! Ha Ha ! )
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Oops ! When I get that new mouse I must remember to buy a new 'W' key as well !
Edited by - Clueless on 10 September 2003 5:52:43 PM |
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n/a/1
deleted
2606 Posts |
Posted - 10 September 2003 : 6:29:13 PM
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FOFLMAO!
Thank Gawd for that then!
I dread to think!
I really do HAR HAR HAR!!!!
I would look like a pink crimplene mass and put everyone off their food!
Can you post pictures/photos on here then?
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Beacon Girl
A Fiery Female !
4777 Posts |
Posted - 10 September 2003 : 7:10:37 PM
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A Couple for Bob.
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Irritated wife-:What do you mean coming home half drunk ??
Hubby-:It's not my fault I ran out of money .
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A poor man and his wife were sitting in their living room and the man said ," I'm going down the pub for a pint ,so put your coat on ."
The woman replied , "Oh, are you taking me with you ? "
The man replied , " No ,I'm turning the heat off ."
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Bob.
Devout Dipsomaniac & Technological TWIT !
2436 Posts |
Posted - 11 September 2003 : 06:51:50 AM
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Ooh HaR Har Baecon Gril# tahts aa gpod ome=# Imyst truy taht om the missis necxt tiem I goo doen teh puub
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n/a/1
deleted
2606 Posts |
Posted - 11 September 2003 : 3:17:27 PM
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Which is when Bob?
You old boozer you!
BTW anyone in touch with Fussy?
We could do with some Baileys on here!
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n/a/1
deleted
2606 Posts |
Posted - 11 September 2003 : 3:24:14 PM
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Signs That You Are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The car park seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, stuff dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm......
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
You say I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's by the front door is drunk from too frequent watering.
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Pauline
Administrator & Miserable Old Fart !
United Kingdom
2968 Posts |
Posted - 11 September 2003 : 3:37:51 PM
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I'm hoping Fussy will be along soon ML, I sent him an E-mail last night but I found it returned to my Inbox in the early hours of this morning because I'd typed a dot in the wrong place in the address. I re-sent it early this morning, hope I got the address right the second time.
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n/a/1
deleted
2606 Posts |
Posted - 11 September 2003 : 6:12:04 PM
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Pleased to hear you have Fussys address Clueless.
Lets hope he will be headed on over here soon with his stash of Baileys to cheer us all up eh?
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Beacon Girl
A Fiery Female !
4777 Posts |
Posted - 13 September 2003 : 11:58:05 AM
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A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, " I'm sorry but I can't serve you . " "Why not ? " asks the snake .
The bar tender says "Because you can't hold your liquor ..."
A golf club walked into a bar and asked the barman for a pint of beer .
The barman refused to serve him . "Why can't I have a beer ?" asks the golf club .
"You'll be driving later ," replies the barman .
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HarHar
