While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight > > departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose > > with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at > > > > the US Air crew, screaming: > > > > "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right > > onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! > > > > Stop right there. > > > > I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, > > but get it right!" > > > > Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting > > hysterically: > > > > "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort > > this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You > > can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I > > want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I > > tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" > > > > "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. > > > > Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly > > silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to > > chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of > > mind. > > > > Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. > > Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, > > > asking: > > > > "Wasn't I married to you once?" > > > > ============================================================ > > > > A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll > > out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make > > hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are > > not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the > > > lights and return to the airport." > > > > ============================================================ > > > > >From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: > > > > "I'm f...ing bored!" > > > > Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself > > immediately!" > > > > Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" > > > > ============================================================ > > > > Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on > > frequency 124.7" > > > > Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, > > after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of > > the runway." > > > > Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, > > contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from > > Eastern 702?" > > > > Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and > > yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers" > > > > ========================================================== > > > > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as > > short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate > > parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from > > them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to > > > the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British > > Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206". > > > > Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." > > Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." > > > > The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. > > > > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" > > > > Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location > > now." > > > > Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not > > been to Frankfurt before?" > > > > Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't bother to > > land." > > > > ============================================================ > > > > O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a > > Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." > > > > United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the > > little Fukker in sight." > > > > ============================================================ > > > > A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard > > the > > following: > > > > Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" > > Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in > > English." > > > > Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in > > Germany. Why must I speak English?" > > > > Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): > > > > "Because you lost the bloody war."